


Lay me Down (From the Treetops)

by HappyHypocrite



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Dead Character, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Its Connor, M/M, Mourning, Oneshot, Sadness lmao, Songfic, Suicide Attempt, evans pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 14:03:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16724793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HappyHypocrite/pseuds/HappyHypocrite
Summary: Wow yet another thing I posted on my amino.My first songfic, either great or terrible.It’s outside of my usual style so I don't know if it worked???Anyway, enjoy I guess.





	Lay me Down (From the Treetops)

**Author's Note:**

> Wow yet another thing I posted on my amino.  
> My first songfic, either great or terrible.  
> It’s outside of my usual style so I don't know if it worked???
> 
> Anyway, enjoy I guess.

—

Yes I do, I believe

That one day I will be, where I was

Right there, right next to you.

—

Evan couldn’t let the misery wash over him. He had to hold on to his hope, or that withering pain would flood him completely. He balled his fists in his lap, letting each tear dampen his clothes.

 

Sleep was a distant thought. He’d barely drift to unconsciousness before his alarm would blare in his ear.

 

He had a job, a responsibility, he held himself to that. Despite his every urge to leave it behind, it was all that dragged him from the embrace of his bed at sunrise.

 

His work was where they’d met, each day that crawled by without him was a stabbing reminder of what he’d lost. His hope was a flame, burning, lighting the way through the crushing emptiness. He couldn’t let it fade. The hope that one day, they’d meet in some afterlife, he clung to.

—

And it's hard, the days just seem so dark.

—

His life appeared useless, how dare he breathe when his love lay in the Earth. That simple smile that lit up the empty had faded with him.

 

He could cry for hours, his mother knew. She’d say a word, she’d ask a question. Any reminder of his smile and he’d crumble.

 

His therapist did what she could to help him, he knew, but recently it felt as if her advice would only prolong the inevitable. No matter how often he grounded himself, he’d always drift again, be left struggling for air in that crushing dark.

 

She spoke of his surroundings, how important they were, will always be. The things around him remind him of his place in the world.

Because Evan was a person; he found it harder to believe with every passing day he lived on without the one he’d held.

 

He stood, lifting his wrist to steal the tears from his face. The woollen hoodie smelled of a sweet perfume and abraded roughly against his skin. The scent covered a habit, the jacket itself covered another, both he’d tried desperately to leave behind when they’d met. He’d been so good for Evan, to his last second.

 

Evan couldn’t stay here any longer, he left his house, stepping into the cold air of the night.

 

He kept his eyes on the pavement as he walked. He walked and he walked until his feet ached and he’d met a place that felt all too familiar.

It hadn’t taken long for familiar to become something he dreaded. The memories of Summers spent in contentment felt fresh as the day they were made. They brought that near to flooding feeling back again. His tears fell in the dark of the night.

 

Evan stopped his brain from delving too deep within the memories he wished to fade into, he focused on hoisting his leg over that first branch, always the hardest step to take.

 

He carried himself as high as he could, his head so near the canopy. His khakis scraped with dirt, bark, and snapped twigs. The ground lay far beneath him.

 

He rests in a sturdy set of branches, they swayed in the wind all the same.

He let his eyes wander above him to the stars plastered in the night sky. They were hollow, empty.

—

The moon and the stars are nothing without you.

—

He let his arm fall from the branch he clung to. He leaned against it for stability as he pressed the pads of his fingers into his biceps.

 

When the world felt too loud, when the air felt too thin, his love was always near, to wrap him in the length of his arms and breathe with him.

He remembered those moments. When the universe was cut down to two people.

 

The body that covered his own murmured words of nothing. They didn’t have to have substance, they just had to leave his lips. He remembered pale, scarred skin, beautiful all the same. He wished he could lose himself in the memories of that warmth, the indescribable feeling of longing it gave.

—

Your touch, your skin, where do I begin?

No words can explain, the way I’m missing you.

—

The world was hollow without him. It still felt like a nightmare, as if he’d come to in his arms and be safe again. There was no reason to wake if not next to him. No reason to feel enjoyment he wasn’t there to feel too. So he couldn’t, his therapist claimed he could. She refused to believe his reality.

—

Deny this emptiness, this hole that I'm inside

—

Nothing could fill the gap in his life.

His mother could try, not even she could replace the love he’d clung to for so long. His watering eyes blurred the empty stars. Not even they could replace his light.

 

These tears, they tell their own story,

—

After Connors first attempt, they’d fought.

—

“And if it had- if it worked? What do you think I’d do?”

 

“You’d move on, you’d forget in a few years, you’d be fine, you’d be so much better.”

 

“YOU DON’T— you don’t know that.”

 

“Yes, I do.”

 

“Does this mean nothing to you? Why can’t you see that I’d-I’d I couldn’t take it if you were gone.”

 

“You-”

Connor let his mouth fall shut, he stepped closer now, arms raised in a silent offering. Evan rushed forward, pulling him into his body, burying his face in Connors' neck.

 

He clutched him tightly.

“I’d have nothing if I lost you.”

His voice muffled by the others sweater.

 

Connor ran a soothing hand through Evans' hair.

“Promise me..“

 

—

You told me not to cry when you were gone,

—

Evan hadn’t promised, he hadn’t answered, just sobbed into Connors' shoulder.

—

But the feeling’s overwhelming, it's much too strong.

—

He knew himself too well. There was nothing left for him. His thoughts swarmed his head, he hauled himself higher into the canopy, meeting thinner branches and rustling leaves. He stared at the ground, so far beneath him. He wondered what would happen if he fell,he really had no idea.

 

He let his heavy eyelids drop closed. His breath hitched as the scene played in his head, he lost himself in images of wind tearing through his hair, branches caught on his clothes and slowed his fall. He’d land heavily on some of the thicker, lower limbs; or maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he’d drop straight through a gap in the branches and break his neck. That way he could be with Connor, forever. If not, if that’s not the ending the world gave him, he’d at least be free of a life without him. He would lie in a grave near Connors, deep in the Earth, they could be remembered together, they could be forgotten together.

—

Can I lay by your side, next to you, you

And make sure you’re alright

—

He could spend a lifetime living in memories, visions of ‘what if’s’, for eternity.

If he just let go he’d-, he didn’t know. There was no one who would talk him down from this, he was alone with his thoughts.

 

Connor would.

Connor had always been there, they were a pair of outsiders. They’d entered each other’s lives and worked to improve themselves.

—

I’ll take care of you,

—

It had been amazing, for a while.

At least, Evan thought it had. Apparently, there was a lot about Connor he hadn’t known. The tears kept cascading down his face.

—

And I don’t want to be here if I can’t be with you tonight

—

He swung his feet, shifting into a crouched position on the branch. He stood.

—

I’m reaching out to you

—

His blurred vision and his violent sobbing threatened to throw him to the ground below. Somewhere, he hoped Connor was happy now. At least peaceful. In a world where nothing could go wrong, away from the world where things only seemed to fall apart.

 

“I’m sorry.”

He spoke to the open air, shaking.

“If I were there with you,”

He shook and wiped the tears from his face.

“maybe, maybe you could’ve been okay. Even if it was just for one more day.”

No one answered.

—

Can you hear my call

—

Evan was just so selfish, he let himself be a priority over staying with Connor, making sure he’d be okay.

 

At some point, he’d stopped paying attention. Connor had been better, smiling more, talking more. Although with it his cheeks grew hollow, his skin paler, and the bags under his eyes were a deep purple. His smile seemed brighter, but his eyes all too dull. Evan could see it now. Now that he was gone. Each memory, still fresh in his head, stabbed at his chest and left him short of breath. The pain that resonated within his entire body, it stirred all of the feelings of loss he’d buried deep in his subconscious. He raked his fingers over his scalp, clawing at the feeling of his head splitting in two.

—

This hurt that I’ve been through

—

His mind ached to just go back, to change one thing, to keep Connor alive for one more day, an hour, a minute. Enough time to ensure Connor knew he was loved. Depressed or not, scars or not, he meant the world to Evan. Which was exactly why it was falling apart.

—

I’m missing you, missing you like crazy

—

If he could just jump, he’d join him in the ground.

—

Can I lay by your side, next to you, to you

—

They could be together. In a heaven, an emptiness, another life. As long as they could be in the same place.

—

And make sure you’re alright

I’ll take care of you,

—

He’d hold him close and never let him go.

—

And I don’t want to be here if I can’t be with you tonight

—

He’d be lowered into the ground.

—

Lay me down tonight, lay me by your side

—

His last moments a mystery.

—

Lay me down tonight

Lay me by your side

—

If the world would let him fade.

—

Can I lay by your side, next to you, you

—

If only he hadn’t just

broken

an

arm.

**Author's Note:**

> Kay the Italics button won’t fucking work on the Ao3 site so we’re stuck with this. I tried Copying and Pasting it from other programs but it’s being a little shit so I gave up. Hope you had a chill time reading this, see ya next time maybe :1


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